Why People Self Sabotage Relationships?

I received this question from one of the participants in the monthly free healing session “Let’s Talk Trauma”.

“I’m struggling with something: I have lots of trauma with my family, and over the years I learned that I could open up to complete strangers (as long as I never see them again), or when I get involved too fast and fall in lust. Recently I started feeling that I might be polyamorous, but I’m wondering if that’s not just an assumed trauma identity. I want to be in a committed relationship but I keep sabotaging my relationships”

Sally is certainly not alone in this situation.

And being polyamorous is not limited to a trauma-assumed identity. There’s no right or wrong about it just like monogamy. Each to its own values and social constructs.

In some instances, being polyamorous is an expression of the need to be validated and/or a sense of achievement.

However, when one experiences trauma and is afraid of trusting others, it is only natural to always plan the exit strategy first and avoid commitment.

It is also the natural state of the mind and body to protect itself by creating that distance while also trying to stay in control.

The most common fears of someone who experienced lots of trauma:

  1.  Fear of Familiarity
  2.  Fear of being taken advantage of
  3.  Losing Control
  4.  Fear of rejection
  5.  Fear of not being safe

As a result, here are some of the commonly displayed behaviours:

  1.  Avoid familiarity by keeping a distance,
  2.  Frequently changing careers or jobs
  3.  Choose to quit first to avoid others rejecting them
  4.  Disconnect from emotions to protect themselves
  5.  Choose to stay poor or driven to be rich
  6.  Use intimacy as a means to control or submit

These are only a fraction of the most commonly displayed behaviours, I will address more in the coming weeks.

If you resonate with any of the above behaviours or someone you know is displaying any of those behaviours, it is time to address it.

Love & Healing


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