Is your relationship stuck in a rut?
The reasons are not always what they seem to be.
It is not because he is not doing the dishes or she is nagging and dramatic.
These are just the symptoms and the roots of these symptoms are deeper than you think.
Trauma is a frozen memory affecting every area of an individual’s life including relationships.
Here are the five real case studies and I changed the real names.
1. Tina struggles with emotional intimacy. And trust is her issue.
2. Rebecca fears affection and love. Her expectation from her partner is to function like a project manager for the sake of family and society.
3. Gary is in same sex relationship and admits he is not into it 100%. Fears the unknown if he starts dating a woman which he secretly desires.
4. Meg has multiple partners and she frequently complains how there is no chivalry left.
5. Kath is always the doer organising holidays and lunchboxes. She is the Bee’s knees yet deeply alone.And her partner feels neglected and is slowly withdrawing from Kath emotionally and physically.
“Never judge a book by its cover”
Here are the real scenarios behind what I just mentioned above.
– Tina’s dad whom she adored left her when her parents got divorced and she decided never to allow anyone into her emotional space.
– Rebecca’s mum asked her to do uncomfortable things and Rebecca couldn’t say No because she believed her Mum loves her. And when it is no longer bearable with her mum,,, not to receive love is Rebecca’s chosen option.
– Gary found his mum emotionally manipulating his dad. And he decided every woman is manipulative and dramatic like his mum. He wanted to protect his dad and failed. So he chose to date men instead, to protect them from women like his mum.
– Meg loved her dad so much that he was her benchmark for a partner. She lost her dad in her late teens and she could never replace her dad with another man. Accepting another man meant rejecting her dad.
– Kath is deeply insecured because she was not a popular girl as a teenager and her busyness is a mask to hide her perceived inadequacy and desire to be popular. So she proves she is effective and efficient with her busyness.
From my experience working with relationships and trauma impact, if you are thinking or remotely considering “is this relationship worth investing?”, the distance has already creeped in months or years ago.
A broken heart can never be mended if left unaddressed just like a disease left ignored which then becomes irreversible.
If you are experiencing any of the above similar symptoms in your relationships, reach out for help instead of feeling ashamed or guilty to ask for help or intimacy from your partner.
I will be addressing various root causes and symptoms that act as health check indicators in my next month’s talk on Unhealthy Relationships.